“I’m a pusher, Katie.” – Tina Fey, Mean Girls
This is our second to last week on the Experiment, Charmers. I feel a bit barfy-faced just thinking about it, frankly. It was really hard for me at times, especially over the winter. But, I got used to it and I got into a rhythm. The idea of my next phase is terrifying. It’s going to require a much higher weekly word count and much more of a personal practice than I’ve probably ever had. (I’ve always claimed to want this. Ha ha, gods! You’re soooo funny.) Somehow, in this time, I’m also getting married and continuing to get my craft business off the ground.
You’ve heard this before in my blog. I’ve been blogging in various media for the last ten years so vomiting up everything that’s bothering me for the Intertubes to cast judgement on isn’t anything new for me.
But I will share something a little more personal here. I’ve realized in the last few weeks that I’m determined to do all of this in 2012. It kind of had to be a Julia/Julie style dare for me because I feel like I’ve failed once before. Four years ago, my marriage failed. Then, due to financial constraints, SalonCon folded as well. These were two key factors in what I had then envisioned my adult life to be about. Here I am, four years later, trying to take on my adult life again. Only this time, I want it to be for keeps. I need this business to succeed! I need this marriage to succeed! I need to succeed as a homeowner and as a writer. The “game” is a lot more serious to me this time because I know what happens when the house of cards collapses. It’s why I’m also working so hard to be out of debt and to be happy with my appearance. I want it all this time–not the appearance of having it all (like last time, frankly), but having it all. Or, I want at least what that means to me now versus then. (Then, I was a lot more materialistic, admittedly.) Besides, at thirty-three years of age, Jesus started a whole religion that has lasted over 2,000 years. The least I can do is write a fucking book!
I’m putting lot of pressure on myself, but that’s how I thrive best. So I push. I push myself. I push you. I do this because I have to believe that this has all been worth it. All this work, all this stress, all these sleepless nights, all this anxiety, everything!
So, let’s make sure it is! Push harder than you ever have this week. Push harder than you ever thought you could and then just a little bit more. I believe in all of you. Let’s make magic this week, kids.