Unfuck Your Situation

posted in: Hexing | 3

Let’s review:

Q. Are you being cursed or hexed?

A. No.


God, wouldn’t it be awesome if you were?  That shit is so much easier to take care of!  When you know that someone is working on you, it’s really easy to hit them back harder and fix it.  Fix them, more to the point.  But sadly, rarely are you half as interesting as you think you are and there are no spells full of malefica being cast in your honor.  Because really, when someone takes the time to hate you like that, you are indeed very special and very dear to their hearts.  It’s why they’re trying to slowly drive you to death/madness with magic.  You can’t summon up that level of interest for someone that you aren’t passionate about.

But alas, aleck, as we’ve discussed approximately ELEVENTYBILLION times, rarely is anyone that into you.

Can your conditions be crossed?  Oh sure.  You know your conditions are crossed when:

1. You’ve lost all sense of time.  You don’t know what day it is, what time it is, what time it is in other time zones when talking to friends, just a complete vortex with time moving like you are eight years old again (so fast!  so.  slow.)

2. Your dreams are not part of your standard missing teeth/omg I’m flying/whatever you usually dream about.  You wake up feeling tired even though you’re sleeping the same amount.

3. It’s a huge amount of inconvenient things happening that could become much more than a minor annoyance.

4. The people around you are going through hardship and injury seemingly out of nowhere

5. You do some divination work and all signs point to crossed


So, great.  You know your conditions are crossed.  Now what?  See, this is where it becomes a clusterfuck in my opinion.  Since it’s your conditions that are crossed, it’s basically a butterfly effect cesspool that you’re rolling around in.  You can try to do divination to find all the threads but because it’s not coming from one convenient person and instead is likely a mess of seven jigsaw puzzles thrown in a bag with twenty missing pieces, it’s only going to do so much.

So, the first step here is to accept the fact that you’re not going to get to point your finger dramatically at a few people/spirits and be all, j’accuse!  Problem solved!  This is harder because how do you solve a problem like Maria if Maria can be in eight different places and you have no idea what she looks like?  So, accept that you’re not going to be able to completely untangle this rat king.  If it makes you feel better, assign blame a few places but don’t really do anything about it because then that’s just a bigger mess for you to clean up later, especially since we’ve established it is not one or just a few people really because They Are Not That Into You.

Step two.  You know how you feel completely and utterly demotivated right now?  You know how you have zero desire to accomplish any of your goals because making the smallest most inconsequential step feels like trying to run under water so why even bother?  You need to crush that right now, sister.  Pretend to Don Draper/Jack Donogue/Lord Grantham/White Dudebro with Massive Privilege of Your Choice if you need to, but the quickest way to uncross yourself is to tell the universe to go fuck itself and that you’re not going to be stopped by petty shit like possibly being denied life improving medication by your insurance carrier because can’t stop, won’t stop.  If you hustle when it’s hardest, the universe will be like, “Well, shit ant 937465465895969696962113, you sure have some moxy to you, don’t you?  Alright, I want to see what you’re going to try to build since you are undeterred by every obstacle I throw in your path.  Let’s see what you do, champ.”

Step three.  You likely have some unwanted visitors who are couch surfing in your house because while you were watching an Intervention marathon, they got together and decided to combine their powers into something bigger and more useful to fuck up your shit.  Why?  I don’t know, spend a day with a cat or a toddler and then get back to me.  Give them their spiritual equivalent of a pineapple or just flat out eat their punk asses, but take care of it.

Critical Sidebar: You know how I am constantly telling you to not live like a filthy hamster?  Well, between tax season and craft season I’ve been living like a filthy hamster.  1. It totally helped to crossed up my conditions.  2. It makes cleansing four times harder (though still possible).  3.  It’s way easier for bullshit couch surfing rat kings to hide and then reform.  Prevention is key.  If you don’t want to have to work way harder than you ever should to keep uncrossed and to keep out unwanted things, be neat.  Just like in real life, if you don’t want ants, maggots, roaches and rats in your home, you don’t want oogie boogies in your home either.  Being tidy will prevent all forms of yuck.

Step four.  Cleanse yourself.  Smudge (get the bottoms of your feet), wash your hands with salt, take a cleansing bath, pull out any bullshit evil eye barbs that have found their way into you.  Keep doing different things until you feel uncrossed.

Step five, up your game.  Your protections are weaksauce currently because you are lazy when everything is going well.  But I–  No, you don’t.  Spin a new charm, turn a sock inside out before you wear it, make some servitors, whatever.  Get it together and do it and do it well and keep doing it.

Good talk!  Now actually do it!

Deborah Castellano
Deborah Castellano's book Glamour Magic: The Witchcraft Revolution to Get What You Want is available for purchase through Amazon, Llewellyn and Barnes and Noble.
Her frequently updated catalogue of published work is available on Author Central.

She writes about Glamour Magic here at Charmed, I'm Sure. Her podcast appearances are available here.

Her craft shop, The Mermaid & The Crow specializes in old-world style workshop from 100% local, sustainable sources featuring tempting small batch ritual oils and hand-spun hand-dyed yarn in luxe fibers and more!

In a previous life, Deborah founded the first Neo-Victorian/Steampunk convention, SalonCon which received rave reviews from con-goers and interviews from the New York Times and MTV.

She resides in New Jersey with her husband, Jow and their cat, Max II. She has a terrible reality television habit she can't shake and likes St. Germain liquor, record players and typewriters.  


3 Responses

  1. Bless you Auntie Debs! (I get a perverse kick out of saying that since I know I’m old enough to be your father.) I read your post this morning while I was nursing my morning maté and wondering why — after days of being in fighting form — I felt so sucky. My response was not what you’d expect. I realized that I’d slipped into Dirty Hamster mode over the last two days, and I immediately went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, flossed, whipped out the ol’ interdental brushes, cleaned my tongue (with one of the Indian tongue cleaning blades) and then brushed my teeth again.

    It worked. I was ready to get on with things. And I’m rubbing down with 4711 (Germany’s answer to Florida water) before bed tonight. AND I’m getting a good night’s sleep tonight. Hard to be a charmer with raccoon rings under your eyes, right?
    Theo recently posted..Who was that masked man?My Profile

  2. So… What does “your situation is crossed” actually mean?
    Because this sounds basically like what happens to me when I’m drowning in Fits Of Melancholy and need to kick my own ass into getting stuff done.
    Is that what it means?
    Meliad recently posted..New Moon – Lilac Moon BeginsMy Profile

  3. Dirty Hamster Mode. This is my new go-to terminology for the state of my apartment. I did enough cleaning that I could do some sewing in my Spare Oom this evening… but now I’m wearing a not-quite finished pair of pants and trying to establish what I did wrong. Hmm.

    It is of course the end of school season, so it’s easy to get into DHM. And it’s a lot easier to uncross conditions at the end of a cycle than in the middle of the end. But thank you for the reminder. It’s time to clean up, clean out, take names and do some uncrossing work!
    Andrew Watt recently posted..Tai Chi Y4D65: Five TimesMy Profile

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.