The longer you are in a relationship with a person(s), the harder it is to spend quality time together. There are a lot of factors to why this is: you are currently getting on each other’s damn nerves, you have been in a Netflix/Pokemon coma for several months, lots overtime at work/child-related commitments, you can’t seem to manage keeping your house in a state that is not A Pit of Despair, Summertime Sadness and other Adulting afflictions.
Somewhere, in the back of your head, you figure well, there’s always next week, we’ll try then. Except next week keeps coming and dates keep not happening. On one hand, this is a soothing part of a long term relationship: you are 90% sure Partner(s) are not going anywhere so you have that reassurance that eventually, you can work this out and get the romance rekindled. On the other hand, this is how entropy happens, Charmers. The more time you spend not actively engaging with each other, the more it’s a habit, the more it’s a habit the less there’s romance and the less kindly inclined you will be towards each other. Think about it: if you have a recent super fun memory of Partner(s), are you going to be more inclined or less inclined to not start World War III over something trivial? If you don’t have a recent super fun memory of Partner(s), are you going to be more inclined or less inclined to start World War III? Right.
Put Your Phone Down, It’s Time to Make Some Romance Happen
- Pick a day. Make it very soon so you can’t come up with a bunch of bullshit excuses as to why this can’t happen due to dishes/kids/random feels and space weather. Get yourself organized for this to happen: find a sitter for the kids, make your bed even if the rest of the bedroom looks like Mount Laundry erupted again, light some candles and burn some incense which will create ambiance and hide your slovenliness. If you want to get real fancy about it, Friday night is a good night for this date as that’s Venus’ day.
- Air your grievances that morning. Either make some time before going to work to have a hostile conversation about everything that makes you want to smother each other with a pillow or prepare for a morning long text fight at your work place. You may be thinking, Lordess, why would I voluntarily do that? That sounds awful. You know what’s more awful? Having this argument during that nice date you had planned. You know what doesn’t taste good? Food you’re eating while fighting with each other. The key to your pre-planned domestic dispute is that you need to resolve it. That morning. Everything that can get resolved. Issues that you have been having an on-again/off-again nothing fight about for the last decade? Table it. Issues that are annoying but solvable? Fix it.
- Wear Something Cute, Okay? Phone in some effort. Put on a nice top/dress/whatever, put on underthings that make you feel sexy, wear a fragrance that you have clicker trained your partner(s) to associate with happy times together ( . . .and if you haven’t done this, ummmm why not?), do something about your hair/beard and put on some lipgloss if you wear make up. This sets your intention to make this night different than most nights.
- Plans will go awry. Someone will get out early while the other person gets out late, the place you wanted to go to is inexplicably closed, a kid will vomit from too much ice cream at grandma’s. Roll with it. Channel your inner French girl, channel a person in your life who always appears calm no matter what’s going on, say a prayer to Mary Magdalene, mantra to Vishnu ऊँ क्षमिणांवराय नमः Om kshami-nam-vahraaya namaha, whatever you need to do to figure out how to keep calm and reconfigure your date without melting down.
- Expect Awkwardness. Hey! You know how you haven’t had a conversation in weeks, possibly months that does not involve adulting responsibilities? Um, it’s going to be hard to talk to each other about other topics because you are hella out of practice. Don’t let this deter you. Reach into the recesses of your brain meat and attempt to find a topic that is interesting to both of you: books you are falling asleep reading, that half a song you like that you get to listen to when the kids are not in the car, stupid work stories, stupid crap people you know are doing, theories about television shows you both watch, sportsball, rituals, whatever. The actual topics don’t really matter, it’s connecting together that does.
- Aphrodisiacs never hurt. Rose, jasmine and vanilla scents, foods that are considered aphrodisiacs. Generally speaking, that includes: food you eat with your hands (dipping food, charcuterie plates, etc) food that’s shaped like a vagina as it’s Venusian (figs, oysters, radishes, etc), rich food in small quanities (butter, pate, cheese, etc), food that involves blood/blood like representations (beef, pomegranate juice, pomegranate seeds) and something sweet (dark chocolate, honey, etc)
Deb & Jow’s Menu for Date Night In
Radishes in Ice Water & Salted Soft Butter for Dipping
Main Course: Baba Ganuoush from the grocery store (with smoked paprika added) mixed with ground beef flavored with Baker’s Brew seasoning and more paprika, served with mini pitas
Palate Cleanser: Fresh figs
Cheese course: Triple Creme Brie on Pears with Honey
Dessert: Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups
Rose Hookah (you can get a whole kit for almost nothing on Amazon and non tobacco shisha)
. . .notice how v. little cooking is involved and that it’s mostly prep work and presentation? That is not coincidental.
Lillet Cocktail Recipe
4 counts Lillet
3 counts vodka
Splash of orange juice
Splash of tonic
Basil springs (ours is purple from our garden)
3 ice cubes
Mix together, stir. Makes one cocktail.