I Never Miss a Beat. I’m Lightening on My Feet.
Until today, I was rapidly coming to a place where NannyDeb would have wanted to punch CurrentDeb in the face until a few teeth went missing. I survived my first tax season! I have a shit ton of paid time off now! I got my first large wholesale order for my craft business that puts a significant amount towards going to the UK to harass Gordon and other local wild life. I upgraded my wardrobe! I got my first Just Campagne bag! I had tea in the Russian Tea Room! I spent time in my favorite spa! I got to use Sarah’s Fairy Ointment and trance out in my teepee, journal about it, do some deliciously filthy things and then have a nice organic dinner! My relationships are awesome, my finances are solid! I will be featured in the 2016 edition of Llewellyn’s Herbal Almanac! I’m thinner than I’ve been in the last ten years! Everything is awesome.
‘Cause the Players are Gonna Play, Play, Play, Play, Play. And the Haters Gonna Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate
Save your Malocchia for your bestest frienemy. Nothing stays perfect in my little Habitrail for very long. All of my Exes (No Longer) Live in Texas. They’re moving back here! And local exes? Hey you know what would be suuuuuuuuper cool? Doing Everything That Deb Has Been Doing Without You for the Past Few Years. Because I’m a Ferengi and I don’t know how to just have fun like a normal person, many of my outer social circles are now where I do business. I’ve spent several years carefully cultivating a reputation of respectability with a soupcon of sass and excellent craftswomanship. It has been blissfully ex-free. I could pretend to be a normal adult for several years, instead of the high school New Jersey inevitably becomes. You know what fucks that? Having to stare down your exes in what is now not just a place you go for fun, but a place you go to do serious moneymaking business. I make five times now what I made my first year. You think I’m going to cut off that secondary source of income? Noooooo.
Well. Not unless one of the shows I was banking on doing sold out in a ridiculously short amount of time and I couldn’t weasel in. Because . . .that happened. Hey, you know what else is fun? Getting health insurance which is a major victory and then! Finding out that you could be denied the medication you need to be as bad ass and functional as you’ve been for the past few years. And if they don’t deny you, you have to find $850 for three months medication, sport. Vaya con Dios!
Topping this off would be usually supportive friends suddenly having zero sympathy or empathy for any of the above and sometimes becoming outright hostile.
It’s enough to make me slither under my bed with the dust bunnies and refuse to come out under any circumstance, even if a leg of prosciutto is involved.
Hey, hey, hey! Just think while you’ve been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world, You could’ve been getting down to this sick beat.
I tentatively started whining about all of this to Miss Spice, mentally preparing myself to get smacked down because, hey, that seems to be the pattern (spoiler: she did not and gave an excellent pep talk). She pointed out that all of these problems (jealous friends, icky exes, medical issues) had happened during my Saturn Return and as I am getting my life on track, clearly my demons are down for a re-match. It took me a long time to get to this place. I realized recently that while I’ve been working very diligently on some things (my shop, my writing, my debt, my mortgage), I had let a bunch of other things slide. I became so afraid of my glamour and all the fall out that seemed to go with it, that I shut it off. For years. Plural. Likely from the time of my divorce to when I started impassionedly blogging about it here. I gained forty pounds. I stopped dressing in a way that would illicit any attention at all, I stopped doing my hair and my make up, I worked with children (which I genuinely loved but small children aren’t going to have the tool box give any feedback on anything in my life because “More Elsa!”), I stopped throwing v. many parties, I didn’t often go out. Part of this was the hours I was working, part of this was me shutting down.
I didn’t want anyone to see me.
I didn’t realize how completely shut down and shut off I was until the same things started happening again and my first instinct was to stress eat until it stopped hurting and to shut down and not be noticed. Maybe the Universe works this neatly, maybe it doesn’t. That part doesn’t really matter. The part that matters is: what will you do now that you are confronted with your softest, squishiest, most vulnerable most damaged bits?
Can’t Stop. Won’t Stop.
1. (Sometimes), It’s not you. It is them. Have you taken stock of your actions? Have you spent several days contemplating if you were being a jerk? Can you think of anything jerky you did or said? If you are really and truly soul searching and not just looking for a way to justify your actions but to take responsibility for them if you have harmed someone you care about and still come up short, then . . .Sometimes (not often) but sometimes, it’s not you. It’s them. And it’s probably not even conscious. You have something they want, something that may appear as though you take it for granted. They may have subconscious feels about this that are surfacing. You can’t really do anything about it, so don’t let it derail you. Double down on what you’re trying to accomplish so you can use that aggravation to fuel your fire.
2. Use Your Journal. But make it a real journal not where you shout at the internet. A real journal means no one else but you sees it. Look at your recent dreams, record your recent interactions, think about when you are feeling what and why. Look for patterns. This is where science starts.
3. Calm Your Punk Ass Down. I’m not here to tell you what genuinely works as a release valve and what you want to tell yourself is a release valve. I’m not you, I don’t know. I do know that shopping and stress eating look like a release valve to me but it usually leaves me with still more problems to fix later. I know that yoga, mantra and meaningful connective sex help me personally. Take an honest assessment and figure it out.
4. Do Something You Forget to Do That You Can Check off In a Day. (Mysteriously, I have the word “poison” in this part of my notes. I have to be honest, I don’t know where I was going but it sounds awesome) Floss. Drink enough water. Cook dinner at home and pack lunch for the next day. Moisturize. Read a chapter in a book. Take a walk. It will give you a sense of accomplishment which will also propel you forward.
She’s like “Oh, my god!” but I’m just gonna shake. And to the fella over there with the hella good hair Won’t you come on over, baby? We can shake, shake, shake
1. Are You Being a Filthy Hamster? When is the last time you magically cleansed your space? When is the last time you re-warded your space? When is the last time you magically cleansed yourself? When is the last time you re-warded yourself? Fix it.
2. What are You Doing to Protect Yourself from the Malocchia (the Evil Eye)? Are you being active to protect yourself against it? Half the time people don’t even mean to throw it and they don’t know they’re doing it. You don’t even have to be a witch to throw it. If you don’t know what to do, get a hamsa, anoint it with aloe and focus on the Malochia bouncing back to the person throwing it, put it on a long string and dangle it over your back, about where your heart chakra is (or your bra band, for more practically minded ladies).
3. Are You Treating Your Goddesses and Spirits Like a Tankful of Sea Monkeys? In other words, when’s the last time you’ve dusted Their space? When is the last time you gave water and light offerings? When’s the last time you’ve sat to chat? When’s the last time you’ve said Their prayer? When’s the last time you’ve given Them offerings that They especially personally enjoy? If you can’t remember, in the words of my tiny nephew, that’s not good. How kindly inclined do you feel towards That Friend who has nothing for you 90% of the time except when they want to bitch and moan about their lives (and not ask you about yours) and/or ask for money and favors after not seeing them for ages? Not good, Charmer, not good.
Shake it off and hit it that much harder. You can do this. I believe in you.