First off, congrats to AmeLeigh for winning the Win What You Pin contest. She will be receiving a Dream Ambassador shortly!
I just finished writing Week 20 of the Experiment. There’s only two weeks to go. When watching 16 & Pregnant with my sister, when the girl went into labor and was about to give birth, my sister commented that that point is the single most scary feeling in the world because what had been theoretical and neatly contained in your stomach was about to come screaming into the world and everything is about to change. A super real “Oh shit” moment if you will. I don’t have any children (that I know of!) but tasting the panic bile in the back of my throat with being nearly finished with this Experiment makes me think I have an idea of what she was talking about. Because . . .once this Experiment ends, it really just begins for me.
First off, the idea of doing anything for twenty-two weeks straight that’s not a job, a relationship or fun based is kind of crazy for me. I wrote over 8,000 words in the name of this Experiment. At the whim of my drunk psychotic Muse and being shot out to the other side is terrifying. Because this is where the real work starts. This is where I write my book between two week from now and in the next six months. Two thousand words a week. That’s terrifying. That’s a short story every week in the way that I would think about it. The amount of ritual and writing is literally making my palms sweat just thinking about it right now. It’s my elephant. One bite at a time. All ur babee napz belong to ur muse nao.
I’m not at all sure what I was thinking. I think I got into some kind of horrible bet with my Muse. The idea of having a finished book is . . .terrifying. Possibly horrifying. I’ve been claiming to want to write a book since I was eight. I really only started writing because my childhood best friend (who will be at my wedding) wanted to be a writer and I’ve always been a beastly competitive thing. It just sort of stuck and then it felt like if I don’t keep writing, I’ll die. So I blogged. And wrote Pagan articles. And wrote feminist articles. And smutty short stories. And poorly paid freelance articles. And letters. And emails. If all my written words were presented in one body of work, it would be a lot. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this. Write a book, plan a wedding, craft for craft shows, go to craft shows, do paperwork – mountains and mountains of paperwork for everything and anything from contracts for writing and crafting to bills, not live like a wild animal, not look like a wild animal, go to work for 30+ hours a week, do enough social functions so I don’t kill myself dramatically with my spinning wheel, keep paying down my debt, do the rituals I need to do . . .
I don’t know.
I just keep thinking, just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
Sometimes, You can do this, Shelia.
Sometimes, I can’t.
But I haven’t been this driven for anything in years. I was really driven with doing SalonCon, but that was one thing. This is . . .everything. Marriage. Book. My own business. Being out of debt. Comfort in my own body.
Sometimes, it sort of feels like being crowned Queen of Women’s Studies, unless you’re in the same tiny niche, none of this means anything. Like, my mom and friends know that I’m doing Stuff and it’s Proud-Making Stuff but if asked to write an essay? It Would Not Go Well. It’s hard some days, pushing and struggling so hard when most people don’t know what it means. Or what I’m doing. Or why it’s important exactly.
And so I can sleep tonight, Things I Have Accomplished in 2012:
* Stopped snacking after dinner unless heavily intoxicated
* Started the New Year, New You Experiment that will conclude in two weeks.
* Bought carpeting for our condo
* My short romantica How to Become a Lady Adventurer is published on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes. I’ve been interviewed about it and I’ve done the most revision work for that piece than I have in a really long time so I’m really proud of it.
* My short romantica “Maid for You” was published in the Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 anthology.
* Two other romantica pieces are in contract currently.
* Bought a smart phone. Learned how to use it, including to be able to accept credit cards for my crafting business.
* Moved my blog from blogspot to here.
* Have work published this year in Witches & Pagans magazine and WitchVox.
* Started working full time as a nanny
* Bought insurance for Farmer’s Market shows
* Booked all my summer shows and some of fall craft shows with an aggressive schedule
* Did several special edition perfume oils
* Started spinning a lot more with a lot of fiber variety
* Spent a lot of quality time with people I love
* Developed a ritual format I’ve been using
* Had a mini break with Jow and another one scheduled for our anniversary
* Attended circle and grove
* Blogged regularly