From an actual text conversation:
M: Yo. You said you were going to Trader Joe’s tomorrow? Can you buy me that tea I was drinking at your house? I think it was Trader Joe’s.
Me: Which kind? They have seasonal teas.
M: Open the tea cabinet. Bottom shelf, left side, caffeine free. Either a yellow or orange box.
Me: Bitch, I am at a show. Did it have a fox on it or a pumpkin? I might go to Princeton TJ after the show.
M: Beautiful. Motherfuckin fox.
Me: Ok, if they still have it, I’ll get it. If not, I’ll tell you what they do have and send it home with Mom.
On the phone:
Me: They don’t have the fox. It’s gone.
Me: Yeah. You can have an angry looking raccoon with caffeine or a chill looking polar bear without. The angry looking raccoon flavor is Vanilla Spice something and the chill looking polar bear is peppermint green tea.
M: Maybe it wasn’t the fox. It was decaf.
Me: The fox was not decaf.
M: Yes it was.
Me: No it wasn’t, you’re high.
M: It was too.
Me: It was not. You must have been drinking Pumpkin, you psycho.
A small child passes by and loudly whispers, Daddy? How do you drink a pumpkin?
The shop girls who are avidly listening to High WOP Drama unfolding before them in the hallowed halls of Princeton TJ are pretending to work. I have just come from a Punk Rock show and have forgot that I’m wearing a mini skirt, leg warms and a crow skull necklace that is all visible.
M: It. Was. Too.
Me: Hold on, Tranch. (puts on her best soft spoken white girl voice) Excuse me, Miss. There was a seasonal Autumn tea? That had a fox on it? Do you happen to know if it was decaf?
Shopgirl (flustered, trying to not to get involved in High WOP Drama): Um. . .I don’t think it was decaf.
Me: I fucking told you so.
M: I don’t know what I was drinking then.
Me (a long big sister sigh): Do you want an angry raccoon or a chill polar bear?
Me: Look. This is seasonal. And it will only be here for like a hot minute. And they’re only $2 so speak now or be sorry later.
M: Okay. Fair enough. I’ll take the angry raccoon.
The entire store pretends to be suddenly doing other things.
Happy birthday, Miss M. I love you, you crazy bitch.