From an actual text conversation:
M: Yo. You said you were going to Trader Joe’s tomorrow? Can you buy me that tea I was drinking at your house? I think it was Trader Joe’s.
Me: Which kind? They have seasonal teas.
M: Open the tea cabinet. Bottom shelf, left side, caffeine free. Either a yellow or orange box.
Me: Bitch, I am at a show. Did it have a fox on it or a pumpkin? I might go to Princeton TJ after the show.
M: Beautiful. Motherfuckin fox.
Me: Ok, if they still have it, I’ll get it. If not, I’ll tell you what they do have and send it home with Mom.
M: Fantastic.
On the phone:
Me: They don’t have the fox. It’s gone.
M: Seriously?!
Me: Yeah. You can have an angry looking raccoon with caffeine or a chill looking polar bear without. The angry looking raccoon flavor is Vanilla Spice something and the chill looking polar bear is peppermint green tea.
M: Maybe it wasn’t the fox. It was decaf.
Me: The fox was not decaf.
M: Yes it was.
Me: No it wasn’t, you’re high.
M: It was too.
Me: It was not. You must have been drinking Pumpkin, you psycho.
A small child passes by and loudly whispers, Daddy? How do you drink a pumpkin?
The shop girls who are avidly listening to High WOP Drama unfolding before them in the hallowed halls of Princeton TJ are pretending to work. I have just come from a Punk Rock show and have forgot that I’m wearing a mini skirt, leg warms and a crow skull necklace that is all visible.
M: It. Was. Too.
Me: Hold on, Tranch. (puts on her best soft spoken white girl voice) Excuse me, Miss. There was a seasonal Autumn tea? That had a fox on it? Do you happen to know if it was decaf?
Shopgirl (flustered, trying to not to get involved in High WOP Drama): Um. . .I don’t think it was decaf.
Me: I fucking told you so.
M: I don’t know what I was drinking then.
Me (a long big sister sigh): Do you want an angry raccoon or a chill polar bear?
M: Neither.
Me: Look. This is seasonal. And it will only be here for like a hot minute. And they’re only $2 so speak now or be sorry later.
M: Okay. Fair enough. I’ll take the angry raccoon.
Me: Done.
The entire store pretends to be suddenly doing other things.
Happy birthday, Miss M. I love you, you crazy bitch.
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Her frequently updated catalogue of published work is available on Author Central.
She writes about Glamour Magic here at Charmed, I'm Sure. Her podcast appearances are available here.
Her craft shop, The Mermaid & The Crow specializes in old-world style workshop from 100% local, sustainable sources featuring tempting small batch ritual oils and hand-spun hand-dyed yarn in luxe fibers and more!
In a previous life, Deborah founded the first Neo-Victorian/Steampunk convention, SalonCon which received rave reviews from con-goers and interviews from the New York Times and MTV.
She resides in New Jersey with her husband, Jow and their cat, Max II. She has a terrible reality television habit she can't shake and likes St. Germain liquor, record players and typewriters.
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One Response
Meliad
I’d have gone with the angry racoon, too. Just saying. 🙂
Meliad recently posted..Z is for Zero Degrees – Pagan Blog Project 2014 // New Moon – Snow Moon Begins