Existential Solstice Crisis: An Annual Tradition

posted in: almost famous | 5

sky's gone outI saw a friend at Indiemade, the last show of the craft season for me and Jow.  The week before, when not luxuriating in our full time day jobs, we had been pouring candles and making oils which always makes the house smell like a French whorehouse.  We were squabbling and tired as we always are this time of year, me furiously hissing packing instructions over text and he crossly reminding me that he is not new to this business.  She brightly asked what I had been up to.  I tried to think as I vacantly smiled at clients who pawed the same goddamn scarf repeatedly without purchase.  My book is done, my blurbs are in process so there’s no excuse for me there.  I haven’t been blogging, as well you know.  There has been no time to go anywhere really.

Just . . .crying and crafting, I said hesitantly.  She smiled.  I tried to think of something else to add, but there wasn’t anything really.

How depressing.

I haven’t had time to read, I’ve had no will to write much of anything and my inner manic pixie girl has been busy cutting herself to relieve the banality of her existence.  My muse has been silent, too tired of me to even be angry.

We keep trying to remind ourselves, Jow and I, that all of this will be worth something.  The 401K so maybe we don’t eat cat food as seniors.  The health care for our bodies’ inevitable betrayals.  The toll working a really full time job is taking on me.  The exhaustion of school on top of his job.  It’s hard to feel motivated here, deep in the woods.  My book is not even out, so who knows if it will fail or fly.  Not knowing if he will get into the nursing program at the end of this year.  Not knowing if there will be jobs if he does.  Not knowing if my rather small dream of being able to sustain myself from writing and crafting will ever be possible.  We are striving for our future, that deep fathomless thing but mostly . . .

We’re waiting.

And there hasn’t been much to say.  There hasn’t been much magic in these past few months.  Not much glamour.  Mostly fatigue.  I don’t work a job where I have the luxury to blog or write when it’s slow, they are literally listening for the clacking of my keyboard to beat a different cadence than usual (which it always does, no matter how hard I try).  The level of attention to detail that is required for this position is a crucible that is forming me into something, but I don’t know what yet.

But I’m trying.  I’m trying to write to you here so that you know that I’m still here.  I’m asking for source material to read about topics I’m interested in.  I’m revisiting Young Adult Fiction writing.  We cleaned and cleansed the house, post show for the first time in ages.  We made offerings, did the goddesses’ dishes.  I’m trying to find a practice that extends past, HERE IS A THING.  OH!  BTDUBS, I WANT A THING, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.  We’re reading Gemma Gary’s new book.  We’re trying to get politically active.  I’m trying to be helpful on Facebook about that.  I’m thinking a lot about what it means to be Other in this new world that’s forming around us.  We’re going to Planned Parenthood meetings.  We have plans to work on fundraising.  I went to the saunas/baths last weekend with Vixxx.  The chicken I tried to make for Jared betrayed me as it always does by being randomly raw for no good goddamn reason like it always does with him, much to his and Jow’s endless amusement.  I’m a bit sick as usual, some nebulous stomach thing.  I’m baking gingerbread.  I made a whole roasted cauliflower with tahini sauce.  A vegan power bowl with hasselback tiny potatoes.  I’m trying to learn to make salmon so it doesn’t taste like cat food (no luck there yet).  I’m trying to get to the gym, to the yoga studio.  I’m out of practice, I gained ten pounds back so it hasn’t been really inspiring.  I’m watching The Crown.  I’m learning vegan recipes because as far as I can tell on Vanderpump Rules they live off of vodka and vegetables which doesn’t seem terrible per se.  I’m getting back to my beauty regime.  I’m listening to books in my car.  I’m reading books again.  We will have friends over for Jow’s birthday on Saturday and eat lots of italian American food.  I am looking to get back to spinning.  But mostly, as we get closer to the solstice and I become more unsure that the sun will ever return again . . .

I’m looking for a light of some kind.

Deborah Castellano
Deborah Castellano's book Glamour Magic: The Witchcraft Revolution to Get What You Want is available for purchase through Amazon, Llewellyn and Barnes and Noble.
Her frequently updated catalogue of published work is available on Author Central.

She writes about Glamour Magic here at Charmed, I'm Sure. Her podcast appearances are available here.

Her craft shop, The Mermaid & The Crow specializes in old-world style workshop from 100% local, sustainable sources featuring tempting small batch ritual oils and hand-spun hand-dyed yarn in luxe fibers and more!

In a previous life, Deborah founded the first Neo-Victorian/Steampunk convention, SalonCon which received rave reviews from con-goers and interviews from the New York Times and MTV.

She resides in New Jersey with her husband, Jow and their cat, Max II. She has a terrible reality television habit she can't shake and likes St. Germain liquor, record players and typewriters.  


5 Responses

  1. Sometimes the only light is from the sword & staff we wield. At times that light is a beacon, at others a candle, but always it is a light we forge ourselves.

  2. Your life sounds like mine much of the time. But still. The light stays out; you learn to see in the dark.

  3. Let me halp!


    Take salmon. Whack it in the freezer. Heat oven to 400F. Make BBQ sauce:

    1/2 cup catsup
    1 tablespoon garlic powder
    1 tablespoon cheap-ass yellow mustard
    1 tablespoon cider vinegar
    2 tablespoons dark brown sugar
    Splash of Frank’s Red hot

    Mix. Taste. Tinker. This is just my base, and I add salt, pepper, and more of the other stuff until it tastes right.

    Put fish on cookie sheet – don’t defrost it. Slather with most of the bbq sauce. Whack that filet into the oven and time it for about 20 mins. Pull out. Poke for doneness. Slather on more sauce. You can slash the top of the fish to get more bbq goodness in there. Do another 20 mins if it seems really raw, less if kinda done.

    If this tastes like cat food, I do not even know what to think. 🙂

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